


Light comes at you sideways

by SlantedKnitting



Series: Spectrum [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, American AU, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 21:39:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13510290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlantedKnitting/pseuds/SlantedKnitting
Summary: Merlin has been sleeping with Arthur for weeks (ever since Gwaine's epic party), and it's fantastic.Except for the part where Arthur is continuing to all but ignore him in public. Because he's not out.But Merlinisout. And he's losing patience.Modern AU.





	Light comes at you sideways

**Author's Note:**

> Not entirely sure what inspired me to suddenly write a sequel (that's 3 times longer than the original) to a fic I wrote 5 years ago. But here we are!
> 
> Original fic is [Dancing in the Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/818671) (also [here](http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/35114.html?thread=37648170#t37648170%22) on KMM).
> 
> Title from ["Open"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbtbeUUaAlg) by Bruce Cockburn.

Merlin was flat on his back in Arthur's bed, one hand tangled in Arthur's hair and the other clenched around Arthur's sheets. Arthur was—well, Arthur was devouring him. At least, that's what it felt like. Merlin's entire dick was in Arthur's mouth, and Arthur was bobbing his head up and down like he'd been born to do just that and only that, and Merlin could barely breathe.

Arthur pressed his thumb hard into the spot just under Merlin's balls, and Merlin jerked a little, his hips lifting off the bed.

Arthur made a sound that, if it were the first time Merlin had heard it, would make Merlin think he was about to gag. But that wasn't the first time Merlin had heard it—not by a long shot—and he knew what it really meant. It mean that Arthur was fucking _loving_ it. And also probably that Arthur was getting desperately close to coming. So Merlin lifted his hips again, and Arthur made the sound again, and then Merlin lost control completely.

Merlin bucked—probably more than he should have allowed himself, but Arthur never complained—and came down Arthur's throat with a low whine.

Arthur kept going, insatiable, until Merlin pushed at his shoulders hard enough to actually dislodge him.

"Fuck," Merlin breathed, covering his cock with a hand to protect himself from Arthur's tendency to dive back in way too soon.

Arthur sat up, his lips plump and red and wet, his face flushed, and his chest heaving. Merlin glanced down and saw damp, crumpled sheets between his legs—evidence of where Arthur had come while Merlin had fucked his mouth.

Merlin closed his eyes and slumped against the pillows, grinning. He fucking _loved_ it when Arthur came just from sucking him off. If anything could get him ready to go again as soon as Arthur wanted, it was that. It was Arthur rutting desperately against his own sheets, turned the fuck on from having his mouth stuffed full of dick. Merlin's dick.

Arthur kissed a trail up from Merlin's thigh until he reached Merlin's neck, and then he started sucking on Merlin's sweaty skin.

"Stop," Merlin pleaded, pushing at Arthur's shoulders again. "I can't wear a scarf every day for the rest of my life."

Arthur huffed a laugh and relented a bit, dragging his lips lower before sucking a bruise just under Merlin's collarbone.

"Christ," Merlin muttered, dropping a hand to Arthur's hair and rubbing his fingertips against Arthur's scalp. He was still sated—and limp and overheated and exhausted—from his orgasm, but Arthur was already focused on revving him up again.

One of Arthur's hands, warm and sure, slid under Merlin's back, and Merlin arched up a little. His breath hitched as he got pulled up into Arthur's lap, and his blissed out mind went haywire with thoughts of Arthur fucking him just like this—warm and close and so good.

Not that they had actually fucked. It'd been about six week since they'd first hooked up at Gwaine's stupid party, and they'd done _a lot_ , but they hadn't fucked.

Merlin wasn't sure that they ever would. It seemed like Arthur would probably be into it—especially in moments like this where they were rolling their hips together in an approximation of a fuck and both getting hard from it—but Merlin didn't know if _he_ would be into it.

He did _want_ it, though. He wanted Arthur driving into him over and over and over again until they were both mindless and useless and completely fucked out. And, maybe even more than that, he wanted the opposite. The number of times he'd gotten himself off to thoughts of sliding his cock into Arthur's ass was embarrassing.

But he didn't think he was ready. Not with Arthur, anyway. It was too big of a thing to share with someone who still barely acknowledged him in public.

It had gotten somewhat better, particularly since the football team had won their championship game and the school's focus had shifted to other things, like winter break and finals. But it wasn't like they were dating or anything. They were barely even friends. Mostly they just did this. And played video games. They'd played enough that Merlin was actually getting somewhat decent at a few of them.

But that was it, and Merlin didn't want that for his first time.

Even though he knew that was probably silly and overly sentimental and maybe even hypocritical. He'd done nearly everything else with Arthur, so why did he need to draw a line at them shoving their cocks into each other's asses instead of mouths?

Because he wanted to.

Because he couldn't imagine sharing that with someone who was only in it for the sex.

"Stop thinking so much," Arthur said, mouth pressed to Merlin's ear. "It's like humping a beached whale."

Merlin cracked up, his body shaking in Arthur's grip. "What the fuck?"

Arthur grinned, smug, and sat up. He dropped Merlin's hips back onto the bed and wrapped a hand around Merlin's cock.

"Just trying to bring you back," he said, his eyes trained on the head of Merlin's dick disappearing and reappearing in his grip. "Felt like you'd left the room. Also you think very loudly."

"Those two things don't make sense together."

"They sure don't," Arthur said, his expression shuttering for a moment.

Merlin propped himself up on his elbows to get a better view of the slow handjob Arthur was treating him to. Arthur paused to spit into his palm and then resumed with a faster, slicker stroke.

Humming appreciatively, Merlin began lifting his hips. Arthur allowed it for a moment before pressing down on Merlin's side with his free hand, holding Merlin against the bed.

"Come on," Merlin protested, pushing that hand away.

Arthur smirked and let Merlin fuck up into his hand until Merlin started struggling to get it as hard and fast as he wanted.

"Come _on_ ," Merlin grunted when Arthur slackened his hold. "What are you—" Merlin gasped as Arthur's other hand took hold of his balls and pressed them up, closer to the base of his cock. Then Arthur began rubbing two fingers along the stretch of skin between Merlin's ass and balls. "Oh _yeah_. That—that's good."

Merlin's eyes fluttered shut as he rocked with Arthur's hands, one of them pressing hard enough to make him see stars and the other stroking loosely enough to make him feel like his brain might start dribbling out his ears if he wasn't made to come soon.

Merlin felt the bed shifting under him, but it barely registered beyond the thought that Arthur might start grinding against the sheets again. Then the hand around his cock was gone, his thighs were being spread, and Arthur's tongue was licking his ass.

"Fuck, _fuck_ ," he moaned, grabbing onto Arthur's hair.

This was newer for them, but Merlin didn't think he'd ever get used to the jolt in his stomach at having someone's mouth pressed to his hole. It was so dirty and intimate and so, so good.

"Christ," Merlin said, not even embarrassed at how the word had come out like a sob. He felt like he was going to come just from Arthur's tongue lapping at his overstimulated nerves. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't _think_ , he was just a weak, trembling mess, anchored only by his iron grip on Arthur's hair.

Arthur wrapped a hand back around Merlin's cock and rubbed the pad of his thumb on the underside, just below the head.

Merlin bucked again and cried out, his whole body pulsing and sparking with his orgasm. Fuck, his _fingertips_ were tingling with it, and he felt so scattered that it almost seemed like he didn't have a body at all. Then Arthur's fingers brushed against the head of his cock and— _oh_ , he very much had a body, and it was very much overwhelmed.

He whimpered once, and then again, squirming, as Arthur continued on as if he hadn't just come so hard he'd temporarily left this plane of existence.

"Please, please," he managed, his hands nearly unusable as Arthur made wave upon wave of pleasure-pain crash over him.

Arthur gave Merlin's dick one last stroke and then pulled his face away from Merlin's ass with a embarrassing slurping sort of noise. He sat up, his face wet and his chest red and swelling as he gasped for breath. He looked— _fuck_ , he looked incredible. Debauched and wrecked and so fucking hot.

Merlin sat up and reached for Arthur's dick. It jerked against his hand and he barely had time to get a proper grip on it before Arthur was coming between them with a shuddering moan.

Arthur's mouth hung open as he came and it was all Merlin could to do wait for his orgasm to subside before leaning forward for a kiss. It was a messy kiss, sloppy and graceless and a little breathless, and it was perfect.

This thing between them, the sex and the video games and the stupid jokes and the ache in Merlin's chest as Arthur pushed him down on the bed so they could keep on kissing until they drifted off to sleep—or until they were ready to go again, and maybe this time Merlin would be the one to take Arthur apart—it was all perfect.

 

\----------

 

Sneaking around Arthur's house for clandestine sex was so easy that it couldn't even really be called sneaking around. Arthur's dad was rarely home—he spent most of his time working at the hospital—and when he was home, he was either sleeping or being completely oblivious.

The first time Merlin had had to interact with Arthur's dad, he didn't even realize they'd never met before. He'd just assumed that Merlin had always been one of Arthur's friends and had been over dozens of times before.

Neither Merlin nor Arthur had done anything to suggest otherwise, and so they were given free reign of the house without question.

Arthur's sister ignored them, too. Supposedly she knew that Arthur was gay—although Merlin had never asked for clarification on how she had found out 'by accident'—but if she had any idea who Merlin was or what he was doing with her brother, she didn't show it.

That left Merlin and Arthur to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. The 'wherever' was limited to Arthur's room, but that was enough for both of them. They'd gotten off together on the bed, on the floor, on Arthur's desk, against the wall, against the windowsill, against Arthur's bookshelf, and, once, just right in the middle of the room with nothing for them to grab hold of but each other.

Mostly they hooked up on weekends. It was easy for Merlin to tell his mom that he was staying over at Gwen's house. It was easy for Arthur's family to ignore yet another apparently video game-fueled sleepover.

Sometimes they hooked up on school nights, too. They'd rush to do as much homework as they could stand before they worked each other up, hard and fast and desperate. Then Merlin would go home and try to get into the shower before his mom could notice anything.

And then it was winter break and they had one whole, full, glorious, luxurious week together. Arthur's dad spent most of the week on call and sleeping at the hospital. His sister either stayed in her room or went off with her own friends. And Arthur barely let Merlin leave his bed for _days_.

 

\----------

 

Starting school again in January was a rude awakening. Homework piled up quickly, and college application deadlines were looming, and Merlin and Arthur had to go back to their normal social lives.

They weren't the only ones who had spent winter break ensconced together, though. Gwen and Lance were suddenly closer than ever, which mean that Merlin and Arthur had to spend more time together outside of Arthur's bedroom. Whereas Lance had previously eaten lunch with just his teammates, he now joined Gwen and Merlin or, more often, invited Gwen and Merlin to join him and his teammates.

Gwen was oblivious.

Merlin couldn't blame her, though. He and Arthur had kept things on lockdown. It wasn't her fault she didn't understand how painfully awkward it was for Merlin to sit at a lunch table with a group of football players that happened to include his—

Not his secret boyfriend.

His secret…

His secret.

Despite the fact that just two months ago Merlin had never said a single word to anyone on the football team besides Lance, he somehow managed to become friendly with some of the players during their lunches.

Percy wasn't particularly dazzling with his wit, but he was funny and kind. Leon was quiet and surprisingly sweet. Gwaine was—well, Gwaine was Gwaine. He was loud and ridiculous and gorgeous and just utterly carefree.

After Gwaine's third attempt to talk to Merlin about the hottest women in the video games they'd both played, Merlin realized that the football team had forgotten he was gay.

Maybe they had never known in the first place.

Maybe they hadn't been awkward around him at Gwaine's party because of that. Maybe it had just been the fact that Merlin was far, far outside of their normal social circle. So far, in fact, that they had never even heard the rumors. Or the confirmation.

They had no idea that Merlin was out.

Merlin wasn't out to them.

Arthur had known. Somehow. But he was gay, too, so he'd probably paid more attention to that particular gossip.

And Lance knew, because of Gwen, but he obviously hadn't said anything, and—and it wasn't like Merlin had said anything, either.

He was letting it go on like this. Letting them think that he was like them, just less muscly and athletic. Letting them assume.

And fucking Arthur barely even _looked_ at Merlin without prompting. He only engaged with Merlin when someone else started it first and said something to bring him into the conversation. He just carried on doing the barest minimum to appear polite, perpetuating the lie that they didn't know each other. That they didn't regularly make each other come like fucking freight trains. That they weren't gay.

Merlin started hating it.

It had been fun a first. A pleasurable, private thing that no one else needed to know about because…

Because Arthur didn't _want_ anyone to know about it.

Somehow Merlin had convinced himself that their affair was romantic and exciting and delightful. But it wasn't. It wasn't anything other than sex with someone who was holding Merlin back from being who he wanted to be, who he had fought to be, who he had been just weeks ago.

 

\----------

 

For the last two weeks of January, both Merlin and Arthur were both too busy to meet up on weeknights or during the day on the weekends. Arthur invited Merlin over to his house one Saturday night, but Merlin declined, saying he was coming down with a cold. It probably wasn't a very good excuse, but he didn't care. He just wanted to get through finals and mail off his college applications, and then he could deal with whatever was going to happen with Arthur.

The amount of work he had to get through seemed to go on for decades.

But then it was over all at once. He didn't have any more excuses for avoiding Arthur, and it didn't take long at all for Arthur to invite him over.

He drove over to Arthur's house that Friday night, taking his mom's car instead of his bike because he wanted the distraction of the radio and the mild comfort of the old, stale-aired heating system.

 ** _Here_** , he texted as he got out of the car. The doorbell in Arthur's house was ridiculously loud, and if Arthur's dad was home and sleeping, it would wake him right up.

Arthur already had the door open when Merlin reached it. He tugged on Merlin's hand, pulling Merlin into his house with a soft kiss.

"Been a while," he said, smiling against Merlin's lips.

Arthur kicked the door shut before moving in for another kiss and Merlin froze, damning himself for not coming up with a plan. He'd never needed a plan with Arthur before, and it wasn't like this was the first conversation they'd ever had, but—but it was the first _serious_ conversation they'd ever had. They'd really been doing everything wrong, hadn't they?

"What's wrong?" Arthur asked, pulling back when Merlin didn't return his kiss.

"I…"

 _Fuck._ He should have had a plan. He'd never done anything like this before.

Arthur frowned and tightened his grip on Merlin's hand, lacing their fingers together. "What is it?"

Merlin's chest clenched and he pulled his hand away and crossed his arms. "Arthur, I—"

Arthur went very still for a long moment, and then he took a step back. "What?"

Merlin shrugged and looked down at the floor. It was so sterile and clean. The only part of this house that felt lived in was Arthur's room, which was always messy. Everything else was just so… presentable.

"Did you run over my neighbor's cat?" Arthur asked, his laugh hollow.

"No," Merlin said, finding his voice. "Arthur, I… I don't think I can—I don't think I _want_ to do this anymore."

They looked at each other for a few seconds, the silence stretching out between them as their whole dynamic changed. They weren't friends. Without this, they had nothing. No reason to be here together. No reason to do anything together.

There was a noise from somewhere else in the house and they both jumped.

"Um." Arthur glanced around, looking lost. "Can we—do you mind if we… talk?"

Merlin nodded and followed Arthur silently up to his room.

Arthur closed the door behind them and Merlin crossed his arms again. He hadn't felt so uncomfortable in this room since their very first night here, after Gwaine's party. He'd been unsure and nervous, but so, so excited.

Now he had nothing to be excited about.

"I just can't—" he said in a rush before realizing he didn't know where his sentence was going. "I don't—" he tried again, but there was still no end to the thought.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Arthur's face. He looked so sad and confused and he was pouting. Merlin had always loved Arthur's wide, sulky lips, but now they were turned down because of him, and he hated that. He hated this. He hadn't expected Arthur to react this way.

"I feel like I’m back in the closet," he finally said, opening his eyes. "Hiding this… hiding _you_ , it's…" He sighed and rubbed his eyes, needing another break from Arthur's crestfallen expression. "I just can't. I can't go back to hiding, to pretending that I'm not who I am. I already came out. I did all the work, and I went through—I'm the only fucking out gay guy at our school and it wasn't fucking easy to do it, but I did it, and I can't go backward. I can't go back to keeping myself a secret from everyone."

"I wasn't asking you to," Arthur said quietly. "I never asked anything of you."

"I know. But I—"

Can't pretend that this doesn’t mean something.

Merlin closed his eyes again. He uncrossed his arms and shoved his hands in his pockets, wondering when it had gotten this bad. How had this happened without him even noticing? Why couldn't it just have been meaningless sex?

"Were you ever planning to come out?" Merlin asked, surprising himself.

Arthur's expression darkened. "Yes," he said defiantly. "Just not in fucking high school because it's miserable there and I'm not fucking stupid."

"Fucking stupid," Merlin repeated, nodding. "Right. Fuck you, Arthur." He pushed Arthur aside, opened the door, and ran out to his mom's car with as much dignity as he could maintain.

His heart was pounding—he could hear it in his ears, blocking out all other sounds—and his hands were shaking, and he knew he shouldn't be driving. But he needed to get out of here, away from Arthur's house, away from _Arthur_.

Merlin wound up at Gwen's house without even really thinking about it.

He'd been so fucking stupid—Arthur's words echoed in his mind and he wished he could physically shove them away—so fucking stupid to think that it was a good idea to get involved with someone so deeply closeted. And how fucking dare Arthur look down on him for coming out in high school. He wasn't a fucking coward.

Merlin went around Gwen's house to the back entrance, which was always unlocked, and let himself in.

He'd done it hundreds if not thousands of times before, and he'd never once thought better of it.

Except now, because what he found in the basement den wasn't Gwen sitting at the family computer or watching TV. What he found was Gwen straddling Lance's lap on the couch, her fingers lost in his messy hair and his hands sliding down her back to her ass.

At least they were fully clothed.

Lance looked up at whatever noise Merlin had made when he'd come in and immediately turned bright red. Gwen looked over her shoulder and let out a quiet 'oh' when she saw Merlin.

"I—sorry," Merlin said lamely. "I didn't, uh… shit. I'm sorry. I'll go."

He turned to let himself back out, but then Gwen was up off the couch in a flash, grabbing his arm and keeping him there.

"Don't go," she said. "We can just…" she trailed off, frowning. "What's wrong?"

Merlin glanced over at where Lance was attempting to casually cross his legs on the couch.

"Merlin?" Gwen asked, giving his arm a squeeze. "What is it?"

Merlin closed his eyes and shook his head, realizing he couldn't say anything. He wasn't going to out Arthur to Gwen and Lance. He wasn't that big of an asshole.

"It's nothing," he whispered. He was exhausted and he just wanted to go back to his own house and sneak one of his mom's bottles of wine and maybe cry in the bathtub like the drama queen he clearly was. "Just…" He shook his head, not sure what else he could say.

"Is it Arthur?" Lance asked.

Merlin looked up, surprised. Lance was frowning and watching Merlin and Gwen with concern.

Fuck, Lance was so nice and Arthur was such an idiot. He'd said all those weeks ago at Gwaine's party that Lance probably knew he was gay. Lance was his best friend. And apparently Lance had known, or at least suspected, about Arthur's fling with Merlin. And Arthur was a fucking idiot for not seeing that.

Merlin was probably a fucking idiot, too.

By the time his brain caught up with the conversation and he realized that he should have been denying anything to do with Arthur, it was too late.

"Is what Arthur?" Gwen asked, looking between Merlin and Lance.

Merlin sucked in his lips to stop himself from saying anything else.

"Did he… did he break up with you?" Lance asked.

Merlin glanced up at the ceiling and sighed. He should have just gone home.

"Break up with you?" Gwen repeated, her voice high. "What… were you… have you been secretly dating Arthur Pendragon?" Her fingers dug into his arm and he shook her off.

"No," he said firmly. "No."

"Sorry," Lance said, getting up from the couch. "That was… a weird assumption. I'm sorry."

"No, it's…" Merlin sighed and rubbed his eyes. Shit. "I broke up with him."

There was a ringing silence.

"Not that we were actually dating," Merlin added. "We were just… yeah. It wasn't a break-up. But I called things off."

More silence.

Then, finally, Gwen said, "Well, first of all, fuck him for whatever he did to make you this upset. Second of all, I'm going to need some details because _what the hell, Merlin?"_

Merlin actually laughed. "Yeah." He took a deep breath and felt the tension drain of his shoulders. It felt good to talk about. To admit that it had been real. To bring it out into the light after sweeping it under the rug for so long.

"Sit," Gwen said, pushing Merlin toward the couch. "I'll get you some water."

"Thanks," Merlin said, but she was already gone. He plopped down on the couch and rested his head in his hands.

The couch shifted a little as Lance sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Merlin shook his head. "Very much not your fault." He sighed and looked up at Lance, sinking back into the couch's plush cushions. "How did you know? How long did you know?"

"Gwaine's party, right? In November?"

Merlin nodded.

"I just… noticed, I guess. I've known Arthur for a really long time, and I… well, I'd kind of suspected for a while. That he might be gay, I mean. Or maybe bisexual, I don't know. Something, at least. Then I heard you, um… it sounded like someone was kissing you at Gwaine's party."

Merlin flushed and closed his eyes. They'd both been fucking idiots.

"Couldn't think of who else it would be besides Arthur. Then the lights came on and he… went up the stairs and you went up after him. And you've both been pretty happy lately, and pretty busy with non-specific things, so I just thought…"

Merlin nodded. "Yeah. Well."

"I'm sorry," Lance said again.

Merlin shrugged. "He knows," he found himself saying. "Sort of. I asked that night if anyone knew he was gay and he said that his sister knew 'by accident' and that you 'probably' knew as well."

"I always figured he'd tell me when he was, you know, ready, or whatever."

Merlin shrugged again, watching as Gwen returned with three glasses of water. He took one gratefully and gulped about half of it as she settled herself in her dad's armchair.

"He said he never planned to come out in high school because he's not 'fucking stupid.'"

Merlin could practically hear Gwen's jaw drop.

"He _what?_ What the fuck? Why would he say that to you?"

Merlin shook his head and rubbed his eyes again. Fuck, he didn't want to cry in front of Lance. He didn't want to cry over Arthur at all. Arthur didn't deserve it.

"What happened?" Gwen asked after a moment. "When did this all start? And how? And what… what happened?"

Merlin downed the rest of his water before explaining. He told her about Gwaine's party, about how Arthur had come up to him and kissed him in the dark. About how Arthur had invited him home afterward. About how Arthur had continued to invite him over. For weeks. For two and a half months.

He told her how he'd realized that the football team—with the exception of Lance—had no idea he was gay. How that made him feel like he was dragging himself back into the closet. How he tried to end things with Arthur because he hated feeling like he was hiding again.

"So I asked him if he'd ever been planning on coming out. And I don't know why I asked it, it wouldn't have mattered or changed anything. I just… I asked, and he said he had been planning it, but…"

"But not in high school," Gwen finished for him.

"Yeah." He heaved a sigh and sunk lower into the couch.

"I'm sorry," Gwen said. "Maybe it's for the best, you know? It was just sex and—I mean, hopefully it was _good_ sex, but—he's not worth your time if he can't even figure out how to do a basic fuck buddy arrangement without being a dick about it."

"It wasn't him," Merlin said quietly. "It was me. I turned it into something it didn't need to be. I got so wrapped up in it. I could have just… changed it, you know? I could have worn a fucking Pride shirt to school or something and sat with you at lunch, and then the team would have known. And the whole thing would have been solved, and Arthur wouldn't have needed to have anything to do with it. We could have just kept on going and both gotten what we wanted, but I had to go and… I don't know. I don't know why I didn't just do all of that."

"Because you're a nice person and you know that would have put Arthur in an awkward position," Gwen said. "Ending it was for the best. You can't expect something like that to last for very long if the two people involved are in drastically different places."

" _In_ and _out_ of the closet are not drastically different," Merlin pointed out.

"Maybe not for you," Gwen said gently. "Arthur's a different person."

Merlin shook his head. He didn't care if Gwen was right. He wanted to be angry, so he was letting himself be angry. "It's the fucking same. Either you're out or you're not. I'm out. He's not. End of story."

Gwen sighed and Merlin stared up at the ceiling, wondering if her dad had any hard liquor in the house. He just wanted to numb everything he was feeling.

Lance's phone beeped and he pulled it out of his pocket. He went still and silent, and Merlin knew Arthur had just texted him.

"You can go," he said, still looking up at the ceiling.

"I'll stay."

"You should go. He's probably upset. I've got Gwen to help me feel better… he should have someone, too."

"You're too good for him," Gwen said.

Merlin shrugged. He didn't feel too good for anyone. He felt pathetic.

"Are you sure?" Lance asked. "I'm happy to stay here."

"Yeah." Merlin pushed himself up with a grunt and rolled out a crick in his neck. "I'm sure. You can go."

Lance sighed and patted Merlin's shoulder before standing up. "Well. If he says anything to me I'll try to talk some sense into him."

"Don't," Merlin said quickly. "Please. I just want it to be over."

Lance nodded. "Right. Sorry." He paused and then said, "For the record, I'm sorry he said that to you."

"Thanks," Merlin said, blushing for some reason. He went to go refill his water glass and when he came back, Lance was gone.

"What would you say to a _Gilmore Girls_ marathon?" Gwen asked, turning on the TV as he sat next to her on the couch.

"That sounds perfect."

Gwen handed over the remote and yanked the blanket off the back of the couch as Merlin picked an episode to start with. She draped it over them both and snuggled up next to him.

"Merlin?" she asked, her voice so quiet he could barely hear it over the theme song.

"Hm?"

"It wasn't just sex, was it?"

Merlin breathed in deeply through his nose and then let out a loud sigh. "No," he admitted. "Not for me, at least."

Gwen wrapped her arms around his middle, and he draped an arm over her shoulders, holding her close.

"I'm sorry. Boys are stupid."

"We sure are," Merlin agreed.

Gwen laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I love you. I’m sorry I didn't know any of this was going on."

"Not your fault. I didn't tell you. I let Arthur's whole… thing, his whole attitude, whatever—I let it get to me. No more secrets, though. Promise."

He got one hand out from under the blanket and held up his pinky.

Gwen grinned and hooked her pinky around his. "Promise."

 

\----------

 

Merlin spent the night and most of the next day at Gwen's house. They watched an obscene amount of _Gilmore Girls_ and talked about sex—Gwen and Lance had fucked for the first time over winter break—and baked cookies.

It was exactly what Merlin had needed, and when he finally got back to his house on Saturday evening, he was feeling much better. He took a nice, long shower, ate dinner with his mom, and was flipping through TV channels to find a movie to watch when his phone buzzed on the coffee table.

**Hey**

It was from Arthur. What the fuck? They had no reason to text now that they weren't hooking up.

Merlin put his phone back down and returned his attention to the TV.

His phone buzzed again a minute later.

**Hey. Can we talk?**

"Asshole," Merlin muttered, putting his phone down again. Why couldn't this just end?

Merlin almost turned his phone off when it buzzed for the third time, but he saw the notification on his lock screen before he had the chance.

**I'm in your driveway**

"Mother fucker," Merlin said, a little too loudly.

"Merlin!" his mom called from the next room. "Language!"

"Sorry!"

 ** _Why?_** he wrote back.

**Because I was hoping we could talk?**

Merlin sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. Why couldn't Arthur just leave him alone? Had he not made himself clear?

Maybe he hadn't. Maybe he needed to make himself _very_ clear.

He was in flannel pants and an old sweater, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to get dressed for Arthur's sake.

"I'm going for a walk," he said as he passed his mother in the kitchen on the way to the front door.

"In your pajamas?" she asked, alarmed.

"Yup. Just around the block." He shrugged on his coat and wrapped a scarf around his neck. "I'll be right back."

When Merlin stepped outside, Arthur was in the driveway, leaning against the hood of his stupidly expensive car.

"Hey," Arthur said, taking a few steps forward as Merlin approached. "Thanks for… coming to talk."

Merlin shrugged and pushed his hands in his pockets, wishing he'd worn gloves. It was freezing outside.

There was a stretch of silence between them and Merlin waited it out patiently. He wasn't the one who had shown up and demanded to talk, so he wasn't going to start the conversation.

"Well," Arthur said, his voice low. "I—look, what I said yesterday was… I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean that _you_ were stupid for coming out. You're… very much not stupid. For that or anything else. You're really smart and _really_ fucking brave, and I… I just wanted you to know that I don't think you're stupid."

Merlin hadn't really planned to take anything Arthur said seriously, but he could tell Arthur was being sincere. And it was nice to hear, even though it didn't change anything.

"Thank you."

Arthur bit his lip, looking pained, and Merlin turned away to watch a car driving down the street. He didn't want Arthur to be upset, he just wanted them to move on from all of this.

"Look, I—"

"No, I—I'm not done," Arthur said quickly. "I have…" He sighed and leaned on his car again. "What I _really_ meant to say yesterday was that it would be stupid for _me_ to come out in high school. Because it's fucking 2018 but that's still not—it's just not…" Arthur closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Because it's my choice. I could do it and I could… I could be that guy who did it, but… but I haven't done it and I don't think I'm going to. And that's my choice. And maybe that makes you better than me, but… maybe but you are. But that doesn't mean I have to do everything you've done just to prove myself. I made this decision a long time ago, and I don't think it's a bad one. I'm not obligated to anyone by myself, and I don't want to come out here. I never have. I'm perfectly happy to wait a few more months and go to whatever college I get into and come out there. I don't feel ashamed about that. And I’m—I'm sorry about what I said. I really am, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted you to know where I stand."

Merlin had so many thoughts racing through him. _Why_ was Arthur so content to wait to get his real life started? Why was he giving their stupid school, or town, or whatever the issue was—why was he giving it so much power over him? Why was he giving into his fear and the homophobia? Why wouldn't he just _come out_ and be fucking done with it so they could all move on with their lives.

And why did Merlin care so much? If it had been literally anyone else, Merlin would have been fine with it. Supportive, even. After he'd come out, there had been more than one guy who approached him—privately, secretly, discreetly—to talk about what it was like. And Merlin had only ever encouraged them to do what they wanted to do, what they needed to do. He'd told them to come out when they felt ready, and he hadn't given them a deadline.

But Merlin _wanted_ Arthur.

And Merlin was already out. He wasn't going back into the closet for anyone. Ever.

That was his choice. And this was Arthur's.

Maybe Arthur didn't want Merlin the same way Merlin wanted him. Maybe it really was just sex for Arthur. That certainly wasn't a good enough reason to come out.

And neither was wanting Merlin, if Arthur still wasn't ready. Whatever Arthur's choice was, it had nothing to do with Merlin.

Merlin raised his shoulders, burying his chin in his scarf. It was so cold outside.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I mean, thank you. Thank you for apologizing and explaining. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you needed to come out. You don't. It's your choice. And I… I just got too wrapped up in everything. You didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not better than you. You're… you're great."

Arthur looked down, shaking his head. He said something that Merlin's didn't catch, his voice lost in the chilly wind.

"What?" Merlin asked, stepping closer.

"I said, if… if I'm so great then I'd just come out for you."

"For me?" Merlin asked.

Arthur heaved a loud sigh, his breath making a small fog between them. "I like you Merlin," he said. "I'd like to be with you. To keep… to keep what we had. To build off of that into something, I don't know, something more than just… than just that. But I can't ask you to be in a secret relationship, and I'm… my stuff isn't going to change any time soon, so. Yeah. If I were better—or like, braver—I'd just come out and be with you, but—"

"Hey," Merlin said, stepping closer again. "You don't have to come out for anyone, okay? If I ever did or said anything to make you think—it's _your_ choice. And you _are_ coming out. You clearly have a plan, and you should just do that plan if that's what you want to do. If that's what makes you feel comfortable and safe and whatever else—just do that. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, least of all for me. I'm just some asshole who let his dick feelings get carried away."

Arthur snorted. "Your dick feelings?"

"My—" Merlin replayed his words in his head. "Ignore that part. Did the rest of it make sense?"

Arthur nodded. "Yeah. It made sense."

"Good."

Another breeze came between them and Merlin turned to sit on the hood of Arthur's car, hoping that would shield his face from any more freezing wind.

They stayed quiet for a while, but it didn't feel uncomfortable. It was amiable, if a little sad.

"I…" Merlin swallowed around a lump in his throat, hating himself for putting Arthur in this position. "I need—you should know that… that I told Lance. And Gwen. I'm really—I'm sorry. I wasn't planning to. Lance already knew, but—but Gwen didn't, and I didn't…" Merlin sighed and rubbed at his cold nose. "I'm sorry I did that. Obviously I can't take it back, but if there's… anything I can do to, I don't know, make it… better? Just—"

Merlin looked up to see Arthur smirking at him. "What?" he asked, annoyed that Arthur had let him ramble on just for entertainment.

"It's fine. I told Lance on my own," Arthur said calmly. "And he said that he'd talked you. He was actually—I didn't even realized how what I'd said could be taken. I didn't understand why you left like that and he—"

"You actually talked to him about us?" Merlin asked, sitting up straighter. "About this, I mean? About… about you?"

Arthur shrugged. "Yeah. Fucker knew everything already, anyway. He's known for years. We just hadn't ever, you know… actually talked about it."

"Did you… why did you suddenly decide to? It wasn't, like… for me, right? I didn't—I wasn't trying to pressure you," Merlin said, feeling small.

"It wasn't for you. It was for me. Not… not because I wanted to come out or anything. I'm still fine with where I am, and I was last night, too. But I was so fucking mad, Merlin. As far as I could tell, you'd come over just to dump me and criticize me for not being out, and then you stormed off before we could even talk about it."

"I'm sorry," Merlin said quickly. "I didn't…" He trailed off and shook his head. "I was shitty. I was really shitty. I was just really wrapped up in my own head."

"Yeah. Well." Arthur shrugged. "I didn't want to deal with how pissed off I was," he continued after a moment. "So I invited Lance over for video games, and… after a while, I just told him. I needed someone to vent to, so…"

"I'm sorry," Merlin said again.

"You can stop apologizing. We were both dumb."

Merlin licked his lips, trying to keep them from cracking too badly. "Well, I'm… I'm sorry it wasn't under the best circumstances, but I'm proud of you, I guess, for coming out. I know it's not easy… and I know it's not what you wanted."

"I didn't come out," Arthur said. "I just talked to Lance."

"About _sleeping with me_ ," Merlin pointed out. "That's—Jesus, Arthur." Merlin turned slightly and pressed his forehead to Arthur's shoulder. "That's coming out."

"It was just one person. Well… and Leon. So, two."

Merlin blinked and then slipped off the car to stand in front of Arthur. "You told Leon?"

Arthur shrugged. "Yeah, this morning."

Merlin moaned and held back from throwing himself at Arthur—or from hitting him for how utterly dense he was being. "You came out," he said, trying not to laugh.

Arthur opened his mouth to protest, but Merlin kissed him before he could say anything.

"Merlin," Arthur said, leaning back. "What… what are you doing?"

"I wasn't asking you to make an announcement over the loudspeakers at school. I just—I didn't like sitting at lunch with all your friends while they all assumed I was straight and you ignored me and—I like you, too. I think I forgot to say that part. But I do, and I couldn't stand feeling like, like _nobody_ knew, like nobody _could_ know. But you told Lance. And Leon for some reason."

"I… yeah," Arthur said slowly, his hands coming to rest on Merlin's hips. "I've known Leon since I was like, I don't know, 3 months old or something. And Gwen knows."

Merlin moved in for another kiss, beaming. "She knows. Lance knows. Leon knows. Your sister knows too, right? That's coming out, Arthur. It doesn't have to look the same for everyone."

"And you—you want…" Arthur licked his lips. "I wasn't going to tell anyone else."

"You don't have to."

"But you still… want this?"

"Yes," Merlin said firmly. "If you do."

"I do. I really… I definitely do. But…"

"But what?"

"You're not… how is this any different?"

"It's different because I'm not literally the only person in the whole world who knows. We don't have to make a big thing of it. I just needed… some breathing room, I guess. Also, I… I just got overwhelmed by everything, and I needed someone to talk to about it, but I couldn't talk to Gwen because you weren't out, and I couldn't talk to you because that's not what we were doing—"

"You could have talked to me," Arthur said quietly.

"I know that now," Merlin said, rolling his eyes at himself. "I just… didn't think I could. But now I can. _And_ I can talk to Gwen, so…"

Arthur closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Merlin's. "You don't mind keeping it a secret from everyone else, though?"

"If three people know about it, it's not a secret. It's just… private. We don't have tell anyone else. I won't make any scenes. I just couldn't do it by myself, you know? That's too much of a burden when there's more than just fucking on the line."

Arthur chuckled and gave Merlin a long, sweet kiss. "Thank you."

"But, well… I don't… I'm not going to go out of my way to make sure your teammates don't know I’m gay, alright? They don't have to know about us, but I just can't—"

"No, of course. That's fine. That's totally fine. I'm sorry if you felt like I didn't want them to know. I was probably just projecting. You can be as out as you want. Be so out that it's enough for both of us."

Merlin grinned and flung his arms around Arthur's neck, kissing Arthur without holding anything back.

"You are brave, by the way," he said when he broke the kiss. "Telling two people—in less than 24 hours—that you're gay is… that's a lot. That's huge."

Arthur took a shaky breath. "I'm… actually, I'm—I'm bi."

Merlin gaped at him. "Fuck, I'm so sorry! I just assumed—fuck, Arthur. Why didn't you—shit. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That was so shitty of me."

Arthur laughed and wrapped his arms around Merlin's waist, pulling Merlin closer. "It's okay. I never corrected you, so…"

Merlin pressed a kiss to Arthur's cheek, and then his ear. "Thank you for telling me."

Arthur squeezed him tightly. "And it's… that's okay? That I'm… that I’m not…"

"Of course." Merlin leaned back so Arthur could see that he was serious. "Arthur, you could be, like, a hairy crocodile and I would still want you. Just be yourself. Come out to the people you want to come out to. Be bisexual. Play football. Be an absolute fucking idiot. I don't care. I like you all the same."

Arthur grinned and tugged Merlin so close that Merlin's feet left the ground.

"I like you all the same, as well," he said happily.

Merlin pressed a kiss to Arthur's lips, and then another, and then more and more and more until neither of them were breathing properly.

"Can you stay over at mine?" Arthur asked when Merlin pulled back to lick up the shell of his ear.

Merlin nodded, his hands buried somewhere beneath Arthur's many layers. "Yeah. Yeah, just… just let me get a few things?"

Arthur nodded and held onto Merlin as long as possible before Merlin finally stepped out of reach.

Merlin dashed back inside and ran up to his room to shove a few clothes and his toothbrush into his backpack. As he came down the stairs, he realized he'd have to walk past his mom to get his phone out of the living room.

"Going somewhere?" she asked when Merlin walked through the kitchen, still in his coat and scarf, his backpack now slung over one shoulder.

Merlin hurried to get his phone from the next room and then gave his mom a kiss on the cheek. "Yeah, Gwen asked me to…" he trailed off, the lie dying on his tongue. "Actually, I’m… I'm spending the night at my boyfriend's house."

She just smiled, looking thoroughly unsurprised. "Have fun. Don't stay up too late."

Merlin gave her a quick hug before running back outside. Arthur was already in his car, which was blissfully warm.

"All set?" Arthur asked when Merlin slid into the passenger seat.

"Very." Merlin leaned over for a kiss before pulling on his seatbelt.

"What did you tell your mom?" Arthur asked, looking over his shoulder as he pulled out of the driveway.

"That I was about to go get barebacked by a biker gang."

Arthur snorted. "Yeah? What'd she say to that?"

"Asked me to take pictures for my graduation announcements."

Arthur reached over to slap Merlin's chest. "You're an idiot."

"You're the one who's dating me."

Arthur stopped at a red light and looked over, his expression soft and open and just happy. "Yeah, I am," he said proudly.

Merlin reached out for his hand and Arthur held it for the rest of the drive, only letting go when he had to park at his house.

"Is your family home?" Merlin asked quietly as Arthur unlocked the front door.

"Arthur?" Arthur's father's voice boomed through the house, answering Merlin's question.

"Yeah," Arthur called back. "I'm home. Brought back a friend."

There was no response to that, so Arthur tugged Merlin up the stairs to his room.

"Fuck, I missed you," Arthur said, shoving Merlin against his bedroom door to close it. "Fucking finals getting in the way of everything." He moved quickly to rid Merlin of any clothes, and then he licked across Merlin's neck, sending a cascade of shivers down Merlin's spine.

"Why aren't you naked yet?" Merlin asked, pushing Arthur away as he tried to start jerking Merlin off. "Not fair."

Arthur grinned and licked into Merlin's mouth before taking a step back. "Get on the bed," he said, already working to pull off his clothes.

Merlin did so, splaying his body across Arthur's unnecessarily huge bed with relish. This thing between them was finally real. No more secrets, no more barriers, no more getting off just for the sake of getting off. Arthur _liked_ him, and he liked Arthur, and they were together.

Arthur covered Merlin's body with his own and Merlin arched against him, pressing their cocks together.

"What do you want to do?" Arthur asked, shoving a hand between them and getting it around Merlin's cock. "Tell me what you want."

Arthur had never asked him that before. They'd always just gone on selfish instinct, going after what they each wanted with nothing more than nods or murmurs of consent from each other.

But now Arthur wanted to know. He wanted to make Merlin feel good.

Merlin bit down a whimper as his limbs tingled with pleasure, whether from Arthur's question or Arthur's hand on his dick he didn't know or care. He wrapped his legs around Arthur's waist, pushing their hips so close together that there wasn't any room for Arthur's hand.

"Yeah," Arthur breathed, getting his knees under Merlin and rolling his hips. "Fuck, Merlin."

Merlin nodded and rocked his body against Arthur's as best he could while trying to hold off his orgasm. It was too soon to come, but Arthur was all _over_ him and everything— _everything_ —felt so fucking good.

Arthur rolled off suddenly, lying down next to Merlin and getting his hand back around Merlin's cock.

Merlin sighed and lifted his hips to guide Arthur's rhythm, still struggling not to go too fast. He needed room to breathe, _time_ to breathe, time to get himself back under control until he could think enough to answer Arthur's question.

What did he want?

Arthur bit at Merlin's neck and Merlin grinned, pushing his fingers into Arthur's hair.

"No hickeys," he whispered, tugging on Arthur's head.

Arthur groaned and Merlin felt it vibrating in his own throat. _Fuck._

"What do you want to do?" Arthur asked again. He trailed his lips up to Merlin's ear and flicked his tongue against it.

"This," Merlin breathed, giving up and pushing faster into Arthur's fist. "Fuck, I just need to come first and then we can—"

"I want you to fuck me."

Merlin turned his head toward Arthur so fast that the room spun a little. "What?" he asked, his heart pounding in his chest. Had Arthur really just—

"Would you want to? I really want you to. I bet you'd feel so fucking good inside me."

"Fuck, _fuck_ ," Merlin ground out as his orgasm overtook him with no warning. He gripped Arthur's arm roughly, probably leaving bruises, and sucked in all the air the room had to offer. _Fuck._

Arthur stroked him through it and actually pulled his hand away before Merlin had to do it for him.

They looked at each other for a long moment, their labored breathing filling up all the space around them.

Then Arthur's lips quirked and Merlin turned to bury his face in a pillow.

"Fuck," he moaned, shoving at Arthur's chest as Arthur collapsed on top of him, _laughing_. "You're an asshole," he complained.

"Am not," Arthur managed between breathy sniggers. "I _have_ an asshole, though. And I want you to destroy it."

Merlin groaned, grimacing. "Please don't ever, _ever_ say that again."

Arthur laughed again before sliding down the bed to lick up the mess Merlin had made over his stomach.

Merlin played with Arthur's hair as he did it, focusing on trying to breathe properly again.

When he was clean and recovered, Merlin tugged Arthur's back up for a kiss.

"Do you really want me to?" he asked.

Arthur flushed but didn't look away. "Yeah. If you want. Not—not tonight, but… would you want to?"

"Christ, you have no idea."

Arthur grinned. "Well, I have _some_ idea, considering you blew your load at the very suggestion of it."

Merlin rolled his eyes and pulled Arthur in for a hard kiss. "What do you want for tonight, then?" he asked, shifting to rub against Arthur's hard cock.

Arthur's flush grew, spreading deeper and redder.

"What?" Merlin asked. He dragged his fingernails down Arthur's sides and Arthur shivered with a choked-off groan.

"Would you…"

"Whatever you want," Merlin promised. He had idea what Arthur might be so hesitant to ask for, and he very much wanted to do it, but he wasn't going to push for it.

"Could you… maybe we can start with fingering?"

At least, that's what Merlin thought Arthur said. His voice had broken off completely at the last word.

"Yeah," Merlin agreed quickly. "Yeah, of course. Let's—yeah. Do you—do you have lube?"

Arthur nodded and, without bothering to cover himself in any way, went out to the bathroom in the hallway.

Merlin sat up and rubbed his hands over his face. Fuck, being _with_ Arthur was even more perfect than whatever bullshit they had been doing before. Arthur was so much more open and happy and—Christ, he'd asked Merlin to fuck him.

Merlin started getting hard again just from the thought of it.

Arthur came back a minute later and went over to his closet. He pulled out a small box from the back and tossed a bottle of lube on the bed. Then he stood at the foot of the bed, palming his hard cock.

"Come here," Merlin said, patting the spot on the bed next to him.

Arthur crawled onto the bed, stopping in front of Merlin and dragging him in for a long, filthy kiss. Merlin got his hands on Arthur's waist and they moved together, Arthur tipping backward and Merlin bending forward, until Arthur's head was at the foot of the bed and Merlin was hovering over him, one hand on his cock and the other braced on the bed.

"Have you ever done this before?" Merlin asked, twisting his hand over the head of Arthur's dick and making Arthur gasp. "Like, with yourself?"

Arthur nodded and Merlin ducked down to bite his chest. Fuck, that was so fucking hot. Arthur lying on this very bed with his own fingers shoved in his ass, hopefully getting off to thoughts of Merlin doing this exact thing.

When Arthur's breath started to hitch every time Merlin twisted his hand, Merlin sat up and ran his hands through his hair.

"Okay," he said, more to himself than to Arthur. "Let's—yeah. Lube."

Arthur found it under a dislodged bit of comforter and handed it over.

"Are you—sure? Are you sure?"

Arthur nodded, biting his lip so hard that it was turning white under his teeth.

Merlin hurried to open the lube and squeezed out nearly half the bottle in one go. It dripped everywhere—over his hand, off Arthur's thigh, onto the bedding. He glanced up and saw Arthur staring at him, wide-eyed and frozen.

"You wanted me to fist you, right?" he asked, spreading the lube across his fingers.

Arthur laughed, his whole body relaxing against the bed, and dragged Merlin down for a kiss.

"You're an idiot," he mumbled against Merlin's lips. "Just do it, already."

Merlin braced himself with an elbow planted next to Arthur's head and reached down with his other hand to spread Arthur's legs. His hand and Arthur's thigh and the sheets were disgustingly slick, but that didn't matter.

He pressed two fingertips against Arthur's hole and Arthur inhaled sharply, wrapping an arm around Merlin's shoulders.

"Come on," Arthur whispered. "Please, please—"

Merlin pushed one fingertip inside and nearly came right then and there. Fuck, Arthur's ass was tight and hot and slick with lube and _God_ , Merlin wanted to fuck him so much.

Arthur lifted his hips and Merlin pushed in more, keeping his eyes on Arthur's face to make sure it was okay. Arthur was red all over and he looked tense, but he also looked like he _needed_ it.

"Move," Arthur breathed, shifting his hips. "Come on."

Merlin pressed his face to Arthur's neck and began sliding his finger in and out of Arthur's ass. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. Christ, he wanted—needed—to come again so badly.

"More," Arthur said, his voice tight and rough. "Merlin, more, please, please."

Merlin groaned and pushed his hips against Arthur's side to get some pressure on his dick as he added a second finger to Arthur's ass. Arthur moaned shakily, sounding relieved. _Relieved._ Like one had never been enough and only two—or more?—would do. Like he'd wanted two all along, needed two of Merlin's fingers so badly that he was fucking _relieved_ when he got them.

"Kiss me."

Merlin lifted his head and kissed Arthur with everything he had. Arthur made a noise like he was falling apart and Merlin fucked into him harder, faster.

If this was what Arthur was like with just a few fingers in ass, what was he going to be like with Merlin's dick in there?

Merlin shifted away, too close to stop himself from grinding into Arthur's hip but not wanting to come yet. He wanted Arthur to get there first. He needed to see Arthur coming from this. From his fingers. Buried so deep that his hand was cramping.

"Can I suck you?" he asked against Arthur's mouth.

Arthur shuddered and nodded. He covered his eyes with a hand as Merlin moved down his body, as if it were all too, too much.

"You okay?" Merlin asked. He waited to see Arthur nod again before looking down and—

Holy fucking hell. Arthur's dick was rock hard and angrily red and leaking fucking everywhere. There was so much that it looked like he'd already come. And his balls were tight, hugging the base of his cock, moving up and up each time Merlin's fingers slid into his ass. And _fuck_ , his _ass_. There were two fingers—Merlin's fingers—shoved inside of it and it looked incredible.

Without thinking, Merlin bent down and licked at the spot where his fingers were joined with Arthur's body.

Arthur cried out, his voice breaking. He grabbed at Merlin's hair, holding Merlin's head just where he wanted, so Merlin did it again.

"Fuck," Arthur whined, moving one hand to his cock instead. "Fuck, Merlin— _Merlin_ —fuck!"

Arthur's whole body shook when he came, but that didn't stop him from grinding onto Merlin's fingers to get more, more, more, and more until his breathing was so ragged it sounded like he might be crying.

Merlin looked up, his vision blurry, and saw Arthur gaping down at him. Arthur was impossibly red and soaking wet with sweat and Merlin had done that. Merlin had finger-fucked him. Oh _God_.

Arthur ran a trembling hand over Merlin's hair.

"Jesus Christ," he said, and his voice sounded like it'd been run through a shredder. Twice.

Merlin whimpered a little, his cock pulsing against Arthur's bed. He was so ready.

"Come here."

Merlin licked his lips as he sat up and slipped his fingers out of Arthur's ass. Arthur winced and Merlin bent down and kissed him quickly to erase the pain.

"That was so fucking good," Arthur moaned again Merlin's lips. "Merlin, that was—"

"Yes," Merlin agreed mindlessly, his body trembling. He needed to come. He needed to come so fucking much. He was going to fall apart if he didn't get to come within the next 30 seconds. "Good, good, so—"

Merlin hissed as Arthur's hand closed around his cock. It was slick and warm—it was covered in Arthur's own come.

Merlin let out a broken moan, the sound punched out of him, and came so hard that he buckled, falling on top of Arthur even as Arthur was still tugging on his dick.

Arthur flipped them over—Merlin rolled limply onto his back, entirely useless—and continued stroking Merlin's cock until it was completely soft. Then he rested his head on Merlin's chest, and Merlin rested his hands on Arthur's back, and they breathed together.

Merlin had never even thought something so hot was possible. For anyone, let alone himself. And _Arthur_. Well, Arthur had never not been annoyingly, distractingly hot. But now Merlin had access, exclusive access, to that, to all of it, to all of him.

And he'd almost ruined the whole thing just because he couldn't properly explain himself to Arthur.

"Hey," Arthur said, lifting his head.

Merlin grunted in response.

"You're beached-whaling again."

Merlin chuckled, soft and lazy after first, but then more and louder until he was curled in on himself, laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.

"You're so fucking stupid," he gasped.

"You're the one who used an ounce and a half of lube on just _two fingers_ , Merlin."

Merlin snorted, falling into another fit of laughter. Arthur joined him this time and they pressed together, giggling against each other's skin, until it all faded into a kiss.

"You taste like lube," Arthur whispered when he finally pulled back.

"And now you do, too," Merlin said, hooking a leg around Arthur's hip. "That was amazing. Like, I think I lost some brain cells from how hot that was."

Arthur grinned and nipped at Merlin's lower lip with his teeth. "Yeah. Can't wait for you to fuck me for real."

Merlin huffed and pressed closer, slotting their hips together. They were both already half-hard again.

"Christ, Arthur," he whispered, rocking his hips a little. "You're fucking perfect."

Arthur hummed and splayed his fingers out over Merlin's ass, using the leverage to build up a rhythm until they were both fully hard again.

"Will you let me fuck you, too?"

Merlin nodded, gasping as Arthur fingers slipped between his cheeks. "Yeah. Fuck, yeah."

Arthur groaned and sucked harshly on Merlin's neck, and Merlin let him.

"Want me to rim you?" Arthur asked.

"God, please." Merlin let Arthur manhandle him until his chest was on the bed up near the pillows and his ass was up in the air on full display, and he moaned as Arthur dove right in.

He shoved his face in a pillow, wanting to shout—Arthur was so fucking good with his tongue and Merlin didn't want to hold anything back. He wanted Arthur to have everything. He wanted to give Arthur everything.

And Arthur—Arthur was going to come again from this, too. They both were. It was just a frenzied cycle of lust and need and it was overwhelming, overpowering, and they were overcome.

Merlin managed to reach underneath himself to strip his cock and he came within seconds, moaning helplessly into the pillow. Arthur was moaning as well, moaning against Merlin's hole, moaning into Merlin's body, moaning low and rough as he came with his mouth still pressed between Merlin's cheeks.

Merlin slumped and felt the bed shake as Arthur collapsed next to him.

"You're going to kill me," he muttered. "You're going to turn my whole head into applesauce and then you're going to make me come so much that there literally won't be anything left of me."

"Except an empty applesauce jar," Arthur said incredulously. "You're losing it."

Merlin huffed, too spent to laugh. He managed to turn his head to look at Arthur. Arthur looked wrecked as hell and he imagined that he looked exactly the same.

"Well, you've turned my head into applesauce, so… it's your fault."

Arthur nodded, his lips twisting. "I don't even like applesauce."

"Who doesn't like applesauce?"

"Adults?"

Merlin snorted and scooted closer so he could shove his face against Arthur's chest.

He wanted to say so many things. He wanted to thank Arthur for not letting him go so easily, for being brave, for not backing down when Merlin was being insensitive. He wanted to thank Arthur for what was probably going to be the best sex he'd ever fucking have in his entire life. For wanting to fuck Merlin. For wanting to be fucked. For being ravenous and insatiable and so right.

He wanted to tell Arthur how much he cared. How much he liked Arthur's hair. How much he hated seeing Arthur sad, no matter how pretty it was. How much he wanted to know more about Arthur. How much he wanted Arthur to know _everything_ about him. How much this meant to him and how hard it had been to walk away from it. How incredible Arthur was for just being Arthur.

"Hey," Arthur whispered, and Merlin stirred. Had he fallen asleep?

"Hey," he managed, his throat dry and his voice cracking.

"Do you want to sleep?"

Merlin rolled onto his back with a groan and rubbed his face. "What time is it?"

"Late enough that we should sleep. If you want."

Merlin nodded and shifted a little, the side of his leg suddenly wet for no apparent reason. "Your bed is disgusting."

Arthur chuckled and leaned down for a kiss. "And so are we. But we can shower in the morning. And burn these sheets, probably."

"Or just wash them like normal people. Jesus." Arthur grinned and Merlin rolled his eyes. "Idiot," he said fondly.

Arthur gave him a peck and then moved away for a moment to turn off the light and pull the comforter over them.

Merlin draped himself over as much of Arthur as he could reach, and Arthur tugged him even closer.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered.

"Mmm."

"Goodnight."

Merlin mustered all the energy he had left in him and lifted up for a kiss. "Goodnight. Thank you for turning me into applesauce."

Arthur chuckled and licked Merlin's lower lip before settling back on a pillow. "Better applesauce than a beached whale, I guess."

"Idiot."

Arthur gave him a squeeze. "G'night."

Merlin pressed his face back to Arthur's chest, breathed in deeply, and was asleep before he could mumble back a response.


End file.
